My Roses Are Red So You Won’t Be Blue

By Maxwell Nettler

It’s that time of year again, Great Neck South. Valentine’s Day is upon us, and this year it’s looking like the devastation, anguish, and heartbreak will reach unparalleled levels.

With the second year of Great Neck’s Valentine’s Day Carnation Initiative, one can only expect the infamous red flowers to make their way to even more of South’s young lovers as the program gains recognition and popularity. So that’s great, right? The more students with flowers the better? Wrong. As more and more students find themselves fortunate enough to have received a carnation, fewer and fewer will be left waiting when the moment of truth arrives. Those lacking the flower will become more noticeable, more ostracized, and have even fewer shoulders to cry on. Imagine the year when only one of us is left carnation-less!

The solution? Simple. After intense sessions of brainstorming, meditation, and consulting with Mr. Amelio, I have put together a comprehensive solution to this pressing problem. All we have to do is make sure that every carnation is bought for, addressed to, and received by none other than yours truly, Maxwell Nettler. Seemingly a selfish fix to our mind-numbing conundrum, yet I assure you it is Nothing But (get it?) the opposite. Is it true that I’ll be monopolizing the supply of those coveted flowers on Valentine’s Day? Yes. But what’s also true is that while you’re stuck writing just one lousy note, I’m left reading hundreds – nay, thousands – of cards coming from people to whom I may have never said a word in my life. Homework – incomplete. Good grades – out the window. For a solid week there will be nothing left in my life but Valentine’s notes and wilted carnations.

So now the ball is in your court. You have the opportunity to end the senseless, tragic tradition of heartache and disappointment on Valentine’s Day. Reach into your pocket, locate a single dollar bill, grab a pen, pour out your emotions, and address that all-important card to Maxwell Nettler. A simple fix to a troublesome dilemma.

You’re welcome.

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